Duck in the Water
Do you know of or have a person in your life that always seems to have a sense of calm? It doesn’t seem to matter much what is happening, they always present a very steady sense of being and purpose. I have learned that, not only is this the Minnesota way, it’s also the way some people were raised or have learned to be in this world. They have had to be the steady one, the one who doesn’t react, or overreact to whatever is going on, the one who keeps all the plates spinning and seems to hold it all together. They’re like a duck, swimming along placidly just cruising through the water. But underneath...they are kicking hard as hell and the water below may be turbulent and they may be struggling just to stay afloat or not get swept away by the current. They are tired, maybe even unaware of how hard they have been working to keep up appearances, or just scared that if they take a moment to acknowledge how they are holding or attempting to hold everything together, they may lose their grip, the seams will burst, and all of the contents of what they’ve been working so hard to hold together will spill out everywhere with little hope of ever being neatly contained again.
Sometimes we look at those people and wonder, “How do they do it?!? How do they keep it all together? How does their instagram look so perfect? How does their home or meals or skin or hair always look like something out of a magazine?”
And then you start to spin. You’re inspired, overwhelmed, even defeated by the images and shoulds and expectations that if this person can live this way, why can’t you? *Repeat cycle in random order until you’re just done with everything and why do you even try?
I know this feeling well. I get this way when I try to decorate my walls or organize my closet or wade into waters outside my comfort zone. This year especially.
I have a deep well of talented friends. Friends who are great at things that I do not excel at. I’ve leaned into those friends in years past and have come out feeling less defeated than I have this last year. To say this year has been isolating and lonely is an understatement and it’s been said a million times in a million ways and I know I don’t need to say it again, but 13 months in, I want to take a minute to look back...
I’ll start by saying, I’m grateful for a number of things this year:
The opportunity to slow everything down, my metabolism included, which is something I’ve not been as thankful for. Ha! But I believe even this has taught me a lot about how I see myself and how I love or don’t love myself, what I find to be praiseworthy or valuable, how I speak to and about myself, and how I can care for myself and my body. And, in the midst of it all, how to be grateful that it sustains me and keeps me moving and shoulders a lot more than I ever realized from emotions, to stress, to joy, to weight, to thoughts, to everything it houses here on this earth.
Technology that has allowed me to foster meaningful relationships with family, friends, and clients. Some of whom I didn’t realize would be the ones I would find a deeper connection with during this time.
The opportunity to spend insane amounts of time with just my partner doing something/nothing/everything.
Recognizing how very special it is when you make a real connection with a stranger.
Waking up even more to the reality that my lived story is drastically and fundamentally different from so many others’ stories and that I can listen and expand my compassion and empathy, if I will just take the time and be open to listening and slower to speak.
How “my rights” can be most self-serving and harmful when I try to plant that flag anywhere within community.
To seek the highest good and most loving benefit of ALL when making decisions. That “My way or the highway” is rarely the best solution and that there is usually a third way where we all benefit and can find peace.
My Anchor holds fast. The Divine, the Maker, the Sustainer and Creator of life is loving, good, and true and always on the side of such qualities and if I am a seeker of these things, I will find them. Even in the middle of a troubled sea.
...just to name a few.
I recently had a long-overdue conversation with a friend who lives across the country. As we caught up and got into a very cozy and honest conversation about life and work and how that looks this year, she touched on something I’ve been thinking about a lot recently: I’ve been doing energy work for YEARS (before I ever called it that). She said something along the lines of, ‘When you started this business, I thought, “Well, of course that’s what you’re doing! That’s what you’ve always been doing as long as I’ve known you, so that just makes sense.”’ She also mentioned how my social media presence has been lacking in, or void of, what it had before I decided to share my life with a broader audience of people I don’t personally know. I’ve felt it too. The voice of comparison, trying to tie everything back to my work and how that can be helpful for my audience, the lack of posting because, “What business do I really have even doing this work? Your life is not perfect and sometimes your emotions run right over you...etc, etc.”
And I just want to apologize: to myself, to you, my readers, to the work I am called to, and to Authenticity herself. For the times that I didn’t feel like the hand I had to extend to others was presentable enough, for the way that I held back sharing my heart and what’s been given to me because I saw others doing it in a “prettier” or more appealing way, for living small as if I’m not here to invite hope and vulnerability into this world in whatever way and by whatever means has been entrusted to me. I’m sorry for being silly and self-conscious, for getting caught up in the smothering whirlwind of comparison, for not shining a light when I was moved by creativity and stirred by life. So, here is me being accountable, hitting the reset button and showing up in all the mess and madness and movement and moments. Because what else are we here for?
Love and Peace,
Bethany
Marriage: Year One
Photo Credit: Lindsay Marcy Design and Photography (LindsayMarcy.com)
Hello, everyone, and HAPPY NEW YEAR! We entered 2020 just two months married, and exited it having spent 9 and a half months “quaranteamed” together. That much uninterrupted time in a first year of marriage is rare and we have, honestly, considered that part of it a gift. It’s nice to know you really enjoy one another’s company and that we still haven’t run out of things to talk about!
It feels a bit naive to talk about life before the world as we knew it was flipped on its head, but at the start of 2020, we were at a friend’s new house playing games, singing songs, drinking mulled cider, and sharing food and time with people we love dearly and rarely went very long without seeing. It was a beautiful, simple slide into a new year, and we didn’t know what marriage Year One would hold. The Vikings were in the playoffs, which meant hanging out in crowded bars with fans and friends…which only seems notable when looking back from where we currently are. We were booked as extras on an outdoor shoot for the Minnesota Lottery, filmed over 8 hours on location on a frozen lake north of the Cities. It was very cold and windy on the lake. Pogi rode (and promptly fell off) his first fat tire bike, and Bethany snow shoed (and crashed…you can’t walk backwards in snow shoes fyi) for the first time!
Pogi was doing fight choreography for a show called Peerless, and Bethany was starting classes for energy work certification, business branding, and a study group on healthy sexuality and spirituality. Amidst all of this, Theatre Elision produced an evening called A Flight of Short Musicals, which included a piece written by Pogi and Ben Larson, called Five Minutes (which is actually 8 minutes long). We attended a kite and art shanty festival on Lake Harriet in South Minneapolis, a couple of the many innovative ways Minnesotans have created to beat the winter blues, get out of the house and into the community, and find some joy in the cold winter months. Some of Pogi’s extended family, some of whom used to live here in Minneapolis, came to visit and Bethany got to hear about some of the origins of Pogi’s family’s immigration to the US, including a few details that even Pogi didn’t know about.
For Valentine’s Day, we bundled up for a night out and Pogi surprised Bethany with a night at the local roller rink for 90’s R&B night under the disco lights! There were some OG skaters roller-dancing it up out there and we felt humbled as we lumbered along on our rollerblades. We had gotten married on a Monday evening ceremony (theatre schedule) in Minnesota in October and had scheduled a big reception in Texas for the end of February where Bethany’s family and friends that couldn’t make the trip up north could celebrate. As we made our way home from an on camera shoot in Wisconsin at the end of February, we stopped a few places to see if we could get masks for our flight, but they were sold out and so we resigned to just wear a finger cot so we would remember not to touch our faces once we got on the plane. Arriving in the warmth of Houston, Texas, we went to Los Cucos for dinner and had Texas margaritas, bottomless chips and salsa, and Pogi was introduced to the utter perfection of the stuffed avocado (We have wished for that dinner again and again over these last 10 months).
On February 29th, we had a beautiful celebration with our dearest southern friends and family at Season’s Harvest farm-to-table Cafe in Cypress, Texas. It was lovely and full of hugs and happiness and so much love! Unbeknownst to Pogi, Bethany had been working on a surprise performance of a song called Tagpuan (originally recorded by Moira della Torre) which was entirely in Tagalog. The following morning, we had breakfast with our extended family before they made their way back to Louisiana and Northern Texas. We got to see our beloved friend sing like a bell in Daddy Long Legs at Unity Theater in Brenham, Texas, a place near and dear to Bethany’s heart. The day before we flew back to Minnesota, The Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo began (this was “lit’rally” Pogi’s first rodeo), and on the way home from the rodeo, Pogi got to introduce the Murphrey family to the Filipino fast food chain, Jollibee, which has a location near Reliant Stadium.
Upon our return to Minneapolis, we waited in line to get our Social Security Cards changed to our married name, and ran into a couple of Pogi’s friends who were doing the same. We found ourselves in a packed waiting room, where nearly every person in that room had signed in using the same two touchscreen computers. Knowing only what we knew about this strange new virus at the time, we kept saying to one another, “Don’t touch your face!”
Bethany got a new part time job the second week of March, and had worked one shift in the store. The next day, she got a phone call letting her know that they would be shutting down the following day. Many of our friends’ shows in theaters had closed the weekend prior, and Pogi’s job choreographing for a middle and high school’s spring musicals was put on hold while the students were away for spring break.
The time spent at home has taught us so many things, like how badly we wish we could have a dog, how heavy footed our upstairs neighbor is, how dishes do not wash themselves, and how much money we can actually save by cooking meals at home! The classes Bethany was taking became one of the few work-related things to do while at home, so she was able to fast-track through. Pogi turned his focus to rebranding POLO: Pilipino Owned, Locally Operated, which he started to support Filipino-owned businesses in the Twin Cities through his website, as well as on Facebook and Instagram.
*And in case you were wondering, there is no F sound in the languages of the Philippines, even though the country is named after King Felipe II (Thanks a lot, Spanish Colonizers), so Pilipino is how people from the Philippines refer to themselves. And, honestly, POLO sounds better than FOLO.
Reggie Lee, from TV’s Grimm
Fueled by the uncertainty around the pandemic, the sharp rise in discrimination and violence directed toward Americans of Asian descent was something that affected Pogi a lot. It wasn’t just national news, it was local news as well, down to dirty looks given by strangers on the street or in the grocery store. Searching for a pressure-release valve, as well as some way to encourage empathy with what Americans of Asian descent were going through, Pogi reached out to a few other theater artists, hoping to find a way to work creatively in a digital space. Inspired by some of the monologue projects that many theater artists were taking part in while quarantined through March and April, Pogi began writing a monologue and asking other theater artists of Asian descent to join him. What started as potentially 5 local playwrights and as many local actors grew into 21 pieces by playwrights and performers all over the world, including award-winning playwrights, Broadway actors, and TV and Film stars. The monologue project was called UNALIENABLE, after the word in the US Declaration of Independence.* UNALIENABLE was featured in the Minneapolis Star Tribune, as well as The Dramatist magazine, and the monologues can still be found on Facebook, Instagram, and YouTube.
*“But, isn’t it INalienable?” you might ask. Well, for you US history buffs, out there, check this out.
Winter seemed extra long and the cold and snow lingered into April, as it always does. Bethany was rehired at the retail store once things began to open back up and through this, became the winner of the bread in our household. During that period of part time work, she finished her Emotion Code certification, the Your Wellness Brand business course, started her Energy Care practice (bethanydelrosario.com), and continued cobbling together our livelihood. We took walks around Lake of the Isles and eventually it warmed up to where we could comfortably ride our bikes! We took a really long bike ride through the middle of Downtown Minneapolis on May 24th. It was bizarre having the run of the streets. We biked down the middle of some of Minneapolis’s busiest streets, now with no cars in front of or behind us. We rode across the Mississippi and down the river until we could cut back west towards our neighborhood with a beautiful view of the skyline atop a foot bridge.
The next evening, about 2 miles away from where we live, a fellow Houston to Minneapolis transplant named George Floyd was murdered by police officer Derrick Chauvin, while others stood by and watched. The following days/weeks/months, people came together to speak up and act on behalf of racial disparities and police brutality. It resounded around the world and the epicenter was our city. It was uplifting to see people coming together in love, grief, support, and solidarity, to raise their voices together in peaceful protest. It was also heartbreaking and maddening and frustrating to see the destruction and violence. It was especially angering to see cars coming in from out of state, including Texas, causing trouble and destruction in an already fragile city in mourning. One particular instance at the end of our block, a white SUV with Texas plates pulled up to an already burned and broken into store, and started checking out what they could do to further the destruction. My friend who was on neighborhood watch late that night turned on her camera and addressed the young guy from across the street. He eventually got back in his car, cussed her out, and drove off. This type of inciting behavior went on for what felt like weeks. Another friend and his neighbors sat up in shifts all night long, shining lights and sounding alarms of varying kinds, when unmarked and out of state cars carrying bricks and White Supremacists, would roll through their streets looking for something to break or burn. It was exhausting and tense and left the people of this city emotionally and physically depleted. In the following weeks, we would be able to confirm our suspicions that many of those who incited violence were in fact White Supremacists or anti-government anarchists seeking to hijack the pain our city was feeling to forward their own agendas.
We participated in sit-ins, food and supply drives, neighborhood clean ups, prayer vigils, and marches. All this amidst a pandemic, trying to be present with care, while still trying to keep ourselves and others safe and healthy. We were here, seeing what was actually happening with our eyes, knowing what good was taking place, bearing witness to a revolution that opened our eyes to racial inequities that we had not seen or experienced on this level. We were here, trying to be present and available. And then there was all the internet “living" going on. All the opinions of everyone seeing all sorts of things on social media. Family, friends, and strangers quite removed from the actual happenings confidently posting their thoughts and opinions, but never checking in and asking what was being experienced here on the ground. It created distance between us and people we love, beyond just geography. It’s frustrating to have a lived experience and to have that experience negated because people heard or thought differently. It creates a chasm without much hope of a bridge. It reminded me again and again of a phrase a family member used to often say, “When [their] mind’s made up, don’t confuse [them] with the facts.”*
*This phrase, I have learned, has an interesting origin that seems aptly timed to resurface now. Google worthy if you’re interested.
What we learned and have been reminded of though, is that community comes together, other people have stories we need to hear and listen to (and there is a difference), empathy is severely lacking in an individualistic society where you can go about your life without having to consider your effect on the people you come in contact with (directly or indirectly), and that there should be more keeping your mouth closed and ears open in our lives in general.
In mid-July, we started getting calls and emails from our agents about on-camera gigs that were filming again. Within a week there were multiple auditions, but this time, we were being asked to Self-Tape our auditions from home and send them in. Some of the callbacks were being held over Zoom, and we were learning about the newly minted COVID protocols for being on set. Sometimes we were asked to take our temperature before leaving for a shoot, sometimes we were asked to sign legal forms attesting to our health and committing to contact tracing in the event someone at the shoot was informed they had been in contact with someone who later tested positive for COVID-19. We were even booked as a “back up” couple for a shoot. The client had opted to book real-life couples because it was just easier for them to find people who were already quarantining together so that they could interact comfortably on camera. The other (new) layer was to hire and pay “back up” actors who were willing to clear their schedule for the day in case the primary actors suddenly became ill (which is what ended up happening on our first backup booking). Think of it like understudies in theater. So, at least part of our acting industry was coming back.
The lockdowns had brought a new perspective into our life together: the simple joys that we previously didn’t make time for. We did a lot of yoga, Bethany learned how to make whipped coffee, and Pogi went back to one of his early passions: cooking. Over the summer, we succumbed to the urge to do some #QuarantineBaking when a friend shared their sourdough starter with us. We learned about the culture (pun intended), and named our starter Victor Crumb, since we had just completed our first audiobook-listen of the Harry Potter series. We aren't allowed to have pets in our building otherwise we definitely would have gotten a dog by now, so Victor Crumb will have to be the closest thing to a pet that we’ll have for a little while. Pogi found a sourdough bread recipe he likes, and is still working on getting it right, and we’ve been enjoying the different things we can make with the discard from feeding the starter. And if the last couple of sentences sound really foreign to you, believe that it did to us, too, when we first started.
Early in the year, we had scheduled a trip to the North Shore of Lake Superior with a group of friends for mid-August, and when the lockdowns started, we weren’t sure if we should still keep our reservation. But after quarantining and getting tested, we all packed up and headed north for a few days. We hiked, played games, watched electrical storms over Lake Superior, went to the DMV/florist in the lovely small town of Grand Marais, MN, and cooked together for a few days. It was such a nice change from seeing the inside of our homes, only our spouse’s full face, and the view out our windows!
Pogi got a contract in the fall to become the Communications Director for an organization called FIRM, which stands for Filipinx for Immigrant Rights & Racial Justice - MN, focused mainly on increasing the voter turnout for the election, and promoting FIRM’s efforts to educate the Filipinx community on the historical ties between Black and Brown activism. He was able to work from home since his work was focused on Social Media. Minnesota historically has high voter turnout, and for the third time in a row, we were #1 in the nation with 79.96% of eligible voters voting in the state, and across the country, there was a 310% increase in voter turnout for Americans of Asian descent in 2020 compared to 2016.
In late October, we were able to spend few days with Bethany’s brother, Josh, and his husband, Darren, to celebrate Josh’s 40th Birthday, which was a few days after our 1 year wedding anniversary. We pretty much kept to ourselves, playing games and even doing a virtual beer festival. It was nice to be with family!
For Thanksgiving, we decided to cook a whole Thanksgiving meal. Bethany made a sweet potato & cranberry casserole (hotdish for you Minnesotans), roasted some brussels sprouts, and made some boozy cranberry sauce, and Pogi made his first Turkey and did the garlic mashed potatoes and mushroom gravy. It was a lot for 2 people, and you may think we still have some remnants from that meal in the freezer. But you would be wrong.
Our December went by quickly. We worked quite a bit, cooked, played games, and laughed a lot! We both got crafty in our own ways: Pogi made parols and Bethany made homemade wrapping paper out of the MANY paper bags accumulated during the pandemic. It was unusually warm, most days above freezing, so the lakes didn’t really freeze over before a deep freeze that blew snow in sideways on Christmas Eve Eve. This brought a hard freeze and dropped the temps into single digits. Although, we weren’t able to carry on our usual Christmas Eve tradition of attending midnight mass at The Basillica in downtown Minneapolis, the hard freeze made it possible to carry on our 3 year tradition with friends of taking a walk on the water in honor of Jesus’s birthday! This was the first Christmas day to be all sunshiney and beautiful since Bethany had moved here in 2016 and that was a lift to the hearts of everyone we saw out on the lake that day! We’ve watched a lot of Netflix, finished a number of series, exhausted our list of Christmas movies, and as the year wound down, Pogi found himself “wanting a different kind of Elf,” so we watched all of Lord of the Rings: Extended Edition over a span of the week in between Christmas and New Years. And as the year closed, we took multiple walks with multiple friends and went sledding, worked a puzzle, went and got Baby Yoda lattes, took it easy, and named our gratitude for the provisions we received in surprising and unexpected ways in this very unusual and uncertain year, and talked about what we have the capacity to hope for in the coming year.
So, if you are still reading this, we hope you are well, healthy, happy, and holding onto hope however that may look for you right now! You are loved and appreciated in our lives! Cheers to this New Year and all the goodness it will bring!
Gratefully,
Bethany & Pogi
PS: You might not have noticed, but you are on Bethany’s brand-spankin’-new website! Feel free to scroll back to the top of the page and see what Bethany has been up to with this new venture!